Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
