I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He better not be in your backpack
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
