He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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