Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
