Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
