having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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