found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dear god my vagina.
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