remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
