Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
