yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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