I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
