I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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