soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Randomize
