There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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