The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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