Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
