Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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