You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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