Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
