I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
