my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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