i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
