sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
