The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
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