Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
