i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
