when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Randomize
