im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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