I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
