Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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