I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
