The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
