sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize