Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
