My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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