my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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