i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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