I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
