well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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