A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
