Will you blow on my dice?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
