I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
