jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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