The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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