Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
