need another drink. this is the easiest way
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
if only i could text you this smell
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
