I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
