this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
