I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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