I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
