strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
