The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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