im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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