just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize