whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
