He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
