The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
