well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
