well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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