ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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